Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
