Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
