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My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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