i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
