if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
