Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
