My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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