It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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