Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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