My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
