i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
