I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
be right there i have to get my cape
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
