Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
