I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
