she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
where are you?
Hypothermia
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
