I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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