I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
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