I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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