I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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