I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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