I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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