you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
