I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
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