Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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