My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
