can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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