you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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