Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Come share oat with me in your robe
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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