I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
