The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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