As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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