my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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