mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
