Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
oh god the rape fog is back!
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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