There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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