Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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