and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
