Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
