we made out on top of his cat.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
