I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
