I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
it was like eating out sand paper
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
