i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize