I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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