is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
