She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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