So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
