So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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