does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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