I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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