Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
