i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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