Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
