oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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