you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
