I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
