I wish I could punch you in the face.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
