Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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