**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
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