I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I had to cum in my sink.
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